Ask the Girls is an archived project that ran between 2010-2011. Parents and their children with a connection to adoption were invited to ask questions on the website to a number of tween & teen adoptees. Find out more on the Ask the Girls page.
Below are some of the questions that were asked but the answers were not made public however they maybe interesting to know what other peoples concerns are. View the one question that was answered publicly on the Ask the Girls – Being Bullied page.
Are our differences too big? Why so disrespectful? Question from an adoptive mom…
02/08/2010 06:25 PM
My adopted daughters are rude and disrespectful. Is it due to our different appearances? I am the adoptive mother of two sisters who are half Thai. They are now 14 and 15. Their birth mother spoke very little English. They are Asian looking- and when kids at school call them Chinese they are quick to point out they are half Thai- half American. They were abandoned in a motel when they were 6 months and 18 months. They were not nourished well and were very small for their respective ages. The older girl still has problems with learning- and self image due to early abuse and neglect. We were their foster family first and then adopted them- so they have been with us since they were infants. I am feeling less and less connected. not from my side but from theirs. They are very disrespectful- especially the 14 year old. If I call her she will shriek back- “WHHHHAAATTT!!!!” I am not okay with this but seem to be having a hard time making a difference in her attitude. She is very good at everything- talented and gifted in school- plays violin and clarinet, on a select soccer team, has many friends. Í have had many foster children and these two girls are our 11th and 12th children- so we are experienced. I just have not been so disrespected. What do you think- is it related to the fact that I am a chubby six foot tall mom- not a tiny Asian mom? Is it changing times- my next oldest daughter is now 28- and she was not perfect but never this rude. She is not Asian- but is only 5’2″. I am open to ideas- but I can’t get shorter and at my age thinner isn’t too likely either. I don’t want to put everything on our physical differences- but do you think that has an impact? Any other ideas?
Is it attachment? Do you have those problems? Question from an adoptive mom…
02/08/2010 08:32 PM
Do any of you have attachment and social issues like my adopted Chinese daughter?
We adopted a beautiful girl from China when she was 9 mo. old. We live in an area where there are very few Chinese people except those working in restaurants. She tends to avoid any discussion of her heritage and says she does not like Chinese people. I think it is a defense because she wants to fit in with the mainstream teen in her predominantly Caucasian middle class school. Unfortunately, she tends to push people away , has no real friends that I know of, and has managed to alienate most everyone who tries to have any kind of a relationship with her, including family by rejecting them first. She never reveals anything about herself. My beautiful girl began to noticeably push away from me and the rest of our family when she was around 12. She is now almost 14. She doesn’t share anything with any of us (personal. info, etc…) but seems to despise me the most. I wish I knew how to help her become more comfortable. Everything we have tried to help her become involved in activities, etc… has not worked out. She has just refused to consider any activity at this point. She does not go out of the house except for school. N o one ever calls her or invites her to go anywhere. I am very sad for her, though she seems content avoiding all aspects of life. I am concerned what will happen in the future and how she will survive on her own when she grows up. I think there are some very real attachment issues that will affect her as an older teen and probably in her adult life. i am wondering if any of you other girls have attachment issues or problems developing a bond and sharing of yourself with your adoptive families. Any help you could provide would be appreciated.
Should we adopt? Question from a mom considering adoption…
02/08/2010 08:49 PM
We have a biological son. Would it be hard to be adopted into our family?
Hello this is a really great forum to learn more about transracial adoption. I have a question for anyone who cares to answer it. My biological daughter was born too early and died at birth, I went on to give birth to a little boy who is now one. I could go on and try to have another baby who would be biologically related to my family or we could try to adopt a boy or girl to become my son’s brother or sister. Do you think it would be hard to be adopted into a family where the older brother is biologically related to the parents? Do you have a deep feeling that the universe sort of chose your adoptive family for you or does life seem more random than that (I guess this is a pretty esoteric question!). Also I am tall, skinny, with a sort of big nose-this is such a funny question but does it bother you that your moms may not look like you or do you just accept it and love your family and yourself for who you are. Just a little about our family since I read all your profiles: My husband is an artist, I am a nurse, we love eating out, cooking at home as a family, watching indy films, going for walks, and dream about living overseas at some point. We like learning about other cultures, learning new foods, and like to laugh a lot. Thanks in advance for your help! P.